Blog by: Katherine Lily Mae Harris
How do you want to be known?
Do you want to be remembered?
Have you ever asked yourselves these questions?
During my altar devotionals and daily prayers, one of the phrasings I would say, is
‘We are everything and nothing, all of consciousness and yet none….’
What do you want to be known for?
At 11, my first goals were altered, and when I say goals; I mean I had a whole life plan, including retirement, it just required my able body. It was The same when I had to redesign a new life plan at 14. I had everything in my mind and the steps I needed to get there along with follow through.
Between 17 & 23 were the hardest years for me. No life plan. Discouraged after two weren’t going to work out & traumatized from the immense abuse I had endured. Back before speaking about it was normal. Or going to the police about anything…..because you never knew if it would be a safe officer, or one who helps or Marry’s the web traps.
At 23 I asked myself what I wanted. Not how I wanted to be known. I divised my new life plan. #TripleGoddessHealingArts&
If someone wanted a class or reading and couldn’t afford it, they could speak to me and work something out.
This idea of my life plan, I’ve spoken of already. It fit all my gifts and talents into one thing. What I desired and could have accomplished, easily-if I had an able body OR if the systems I paid in to, had been honorable and logical, I would already be paying back in to them now and living my life……
Instead-I am attempting to alter some of the process…..
Do it in an order I didn’t plan on.
Instead of being so giving (most of my life I have read tarot, done reiki and astrology for free. Reading #tarot for 20 years now and #astrology for 19. #Reiki for over 10. )Instead of doing in person classes and having my own space, I am now attempting something I never before #envisioned. Having an #online business instead. Being crippled has drastically altered my life. Being crippled in a place that supports my abuser and watched me struggle; well, there is no #future in that. I am glad I realized that before I had my ‘healing center’ here. Attempting to reach a people that have no desire for me to be part of it, well, that is illogical. I asked myself what it was about me feeling my #heart is here? Must be the #land. #Nature. All the beings I made friends with, from the time I was small.
I remember when I was an exotic #dancer and I was asked if I wanted to be on a Jerry Springer show (paid and scripted) I said, NO. Defintiely not how I wanted to be known.
Did I want to be known as the local stripper either? Not really, but oh well. It was 5 months of my life I was #Sadie the stripper.
I remember when a billionaire producer asked me, ‘why don’t you move to Hollywood?’
Instead of being witty and saying, ‘why; will you give me a job?’ I said the truth; ‘I don’t know if I want to be known that way.’
Whenever given an option to ‘become something’ I had to ask if I wanted to be known that way. It was never failure that worried me; that’s clarity. It was of success occurred, would I be ok with it?
When I auditioned for the ‘#Voice’ online, it was because the producer gave a full mri before production. Have you ever read the fine print? I needed medical refuge bad. Can I #sing, yeah, I can, really well. I just get stage fright.
Did I want to be known as a #waitress, #bartender, #dogWalker, #landscaper, #astrologer, tarot reader, #bellydancer, #activist and now #crippled?? I don’t know:
I just knew that I am more comfortable being a ‘ghost writer’ or ‘ghost singer’ & being known as whatever others see me as, because what they see, may or may not be, who I am.
I cared more about being seen by the #cosmos. Being understood by forces and sources that are ‘beyond.’ That is comfortable for me.
I desired to be known to myself and if I was lucky, one other person…..I desired to be helpful to who I could help, and be seen by who wanted to see me.
Did I ever care if I was remembered?
No. I never really thought about it.
I would watch how people acted at funerals and sometimes wonder, ‘did that person know they were this loved, while they were alive?’
I never really cared if I made my ‘mark’ on this earth. I never really cared if a world of people knew me. I believed that I would impact who needed to be; that I would be remembered by who wanted to remember me….
I wanted to be loved and love in return. That is a gift. Real
#Love.
I wanted to feel fulfilled.
I wanted to continue to set goals and then make them happen.
I could have never planned for the dishonor from others that caused and compounded this time period.
I have done everything I can to bring #awareness to these situations and actively attempt at changing them as a ‘nobody’ on this earth. For those of you with an ego reading that, you will think it’s sad….it isn’t sad, it is true. I am a number to the society I’m a part of. Do you think anyone deciding my fate has seen me as a human being? No, they are literally horrible people involved in this. I stayed forgiving so they could keep tormenting me, because they learned nothing from any of this. Least of all to be #humble; or #human.
How to be known?
Will I be remembered?
I don’t know and I don’t have to.
One of my favorite astrology books about the north node, had a great phrasing ‘it is not my business what others think of me.’ That can really come in handy when lots of people prefer the rumors about you, instead of #truth.
Thankfully I knew how to be alone. I knew how to ‘fill up my own cup.’ I knew how to connect with nature. All I have to do is close my eyes and I understand so much of what is shown me. Touching a #tree and hearing what it has to say. Placing your palm on a #rock and seeing visions of old. Looking at the clouds and seeing #divination. These are #gifts that I often kept to myself because I was considered ‘weird’ or ‘different’ for it. Only when I traveled was I able to see that I wasn’t that different at all….i fit in with lots of cultures. Many that feel the same way I do. It’s just a strange time period for now. Too #Muslim for the #witches and too #witchy for the Muslims….standing up for everyone has caused for me to have no one. Or very few. Thankfully I see life in everything around me. I connect to everything around me, so while I have been extremely isolated from people, I am surrounded by life and nature friends.
If everything you worked for and everything you accomplished was stripped away from you, even your body, & you were left isolated and alone, how would you feel? Would you feel ok with that? Would you still feel a sense of self?
I’ve spent much of my life, experiences being varied. Both good and bad. Some of them have been absolutely awful. At times I have cried with joy. I have been grateful for every experience.
#God/allah/shiva gave me a purpose when my ex killed me on Mother’s Day 2020.
How can I accomplish that purpose In an earth that doesn’t really want it? I can’t. It isn’t something that was meant to be done with pomp and circumstance or even common knowledge. As you can see with common knowledge, it caused for many to desire their path to be mine and their purpose to be mine, which caused a lot of this mess to begin with. Can it ever be accomplished now?
Will my goals from 2009 find fruition in this life? I don’t know. I have to release and believe that everything will be as is meant. I have to release and let god/allah/shiva decide these things.
I can look to my tenth house in astrology, in Scorpio 
conjunct Pluto and MC. This indicates that I am on a ‘right path’ currently. How funny that my North Node is in my 4th house of Taurus 
so I was right about the idea I had. This business combination but rooted in home. Being able to be deep #psychically, speak on the necessary topics to bring #change and yet, be rooted in home. If the home is my body, then I guess I am Still attempting to integrate my crippled body with my Minds desires. What I used to do and what I can still do are very different and my #life threatening spine injury, is not easy to manage. Not the way I lived before. Without the systems I paid in being honorable, I can’t survive: why aren’t the systems being RE-designed???? Or the people failing them, no longer the ones deciding the fate of our country. Their failure shouldn’t lead to my suffering.
I would have already been thriving if they had been honorable.
So what’s next?
Only god/allah/shiva knows.
I’ve done my best and done everything I can do.
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