Blog by Katherine Lily Mae Harris
Photos by Don Moore
2009&2011
(Warning nudity)
I saw my first playboy at the age of 14. I liked the pictures and the articles too. I was never really that into porn, I’ve only ever watched a few and they didn’t do much for me. I never developed a desire to regularly or moderately have porn in my life.
At one time I began drawing the nude female models from magazines. Later getting a subscription to playboy for a short time. I really did like the articles.
I never watched porn (other than the few attempts at it, one a girl on girl and one, a man with a woman) I also was never in any porn. Of course I have been the victim of ‘revenge porn.’
Where an ex leaks a video they make to try and ‘get back at you’ for breaking up. I have also had a woman friend steal my nude modeling photos, try to pose like me and track down photographers to mimic my pictures, as well as steal my dvd’s of my photos & altar these photos, to make me appear trans and then exploit me further. Yes. A woman did this to me. It isn’t the first time a woman has exploited me or put me in danger. She also spread lies and rumors about me and put me in even more danger NOW.
At the age of 23 I was approached about modeling for a man in a yarn magazine.
My stance at the time on nudity was pretty relaxed. I had been through a lot of trauma and was also pretty comfortable with my body. Was that a result of trauma? My nature? I don’t know now…..I wasn’t given a choice.
I decided to model for this magazine. As it turns out, it ended up being nude modeling. No magazine.
Little by little, I didn’t mind and I am confident in my force and form. Even when I was my ‘heavier’ size. A size 5. I have never had any alterations to my body or face; 100% natural and I really enjoyed being nude, in nature especially. It felt so freeing and I felt alive. The photographer was in his 70s, his wife was around and he was professional. He would say, ‘ok move’ and I would. Based on our contract, the agreement was for him to pay 1/2 the money he sold any photo for to me. He has only ever sold 1. 1 out of the 19,000 photos we got in the short time working together.
Unfortunately, when others steal your photos and exploit you, what can happen? Where does that money go? Where are the photos? What is the desired outcome of ‘leaking’ another’s photos?
What I always figured was that when I was an old lady someday, I would be happy to have these photographs of when I was a young lady. Even at 39 when I look at them, I am see that I looked beautiful then and didn’t know it.
Also at the age of 23 (2009) I tried out for Playboy in New York.
I drove after work, with a coworker and borrowed my exes Honda, (I love 90s Hondas! )We drove in to the city, I went, posed and then we drove back home!
It was a whirlwind of an experience. I got nervous the day before and ate about 6 cinnamon rolls. When at the audition, I was so nervous I completely spaced when being asked questions…..I don’t have the pictures any longer and I’m missing the ‘I posed today’ t-shirt that I received for the audition.
The reason behind the audition, I liked the magazine, this is before knowing about what Mr. Hefner was up to behind closed doors.
Another major motivation as a woman, that has never had much in material items….money. I needed the money and the centerfold offered $25,000.
A small fortune to me.
When auditioning I was told that all models start out online. This was 2009! I didn’t even own a computer or smart phone yet and personally, I am not comfortable with chatting online like that. I am not flirtatious by nature and I have no desire to spend my time sex chatting. I was comfortable with nude modeling. So I passed on the offer. Saying no thank you.
Years later, the scandals behind the magazine were exposed and I also have had so many changes in who I am and what I believe.
I believe The complication is that our World is an unfair, dark and disturbing place.
I wasn’t paid for photos that were exploited of mine.
And it doesn’t stop there.
Writing of mine, taken from my computers, photos exploited, leaked ‘revenge’ porn and a faint memory of one of the many times I was drugged and raped as a teen, where there was a flashlight….was that a camera event too?
Our world isn’t safe for any woman. Clothed or unclothed.
I was asked in the past few years, by a man who attempted to traffick me, if I had any nudes of myself.
How can I be for sale if they don’t know what they are buying?
These photos can be stolen from your phone, computer, or like in my case, exploited by a jealous frenemy. I wanted those discs of my photos for myself. Not the World. Now I have absolutely no way of telling where they ended up. They are gone.
Money is a major motivator for a lot of us. If we are born in oppression and don’t have much, then we are put through hell, we have few avenues to make an income. I don’t judge women for their choices in poverty. I judge society for causing it to begin with.
When I was nude modeling, I was comfortable with it.
If I had ended up in Playboy (without the ‘chatting’ or scandals) I would have been comfortable with it.
I am NOT comfortable with revenge porn, leaked photos or people exploiting me for their own benefit and gain.
One thing in this time period that is undeniable-is that jealous women were extra busy trying to harm my life…..when they made money doing it-they didn’t pay me. When my photos were exploited, I didn’t get paid……so what does that mean for me?
The photographer who took the photos could pursue legal action because he has the money to do so, I do not. I am at the mercy of everyone else, all the time.
Being vulnerable in a dishonorable World is dangerous and the Worst.
So what of modesty? What of virtue?
I’ve been raped when wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, no make up. I’ve been raped when wearing a miniskirt. I was trafficked before ever having nude photos taken, and I was disappeared in an attempt to traffick me after……
If I had been a woman of circumstance and privilege, would I have nude modeled? Probably not. Would I have been comfortable in my nudity…..I don’t know. As a 39 year old woman, consecutively celibate four years and eight months since getting away from my ex abuser (who could have easily also leaked ‘revenge porn’) I have spent most of my adult life celibate or in a committed relationship. I am Demi sexual by nature and if I could have only ever been with one person, I would have been. We could have had our love and sex. Our life and desires. That isn’t the World I am part of though, and it wasn’t an option.
I am a part of the West.
Where women are exploited and we do our best to navigate it, hoping to make Atleast a few good friends along the way and desiring to be loved by a genuinely decent man, or woman, who won’t abuse and belittle us. A man who doesn’t believe my ‘impurity’ is going to damage his desire for a ‘woman of virtue’ on his penis-whether said penis is virtuous or not.
Pretending I don’t have regrets is an inaccurate depiction as an adult woman.
Wishing for a different life or reception of the public, is futile.
Do we, who have been strippers or nude models, not deserve to be loved by a man fully and whole heartedly? Accepted by a community of adult mean girls?
One thing I learned is that a jealous woman friend is far more dangerous than a man. They will pretend to be your girl, while harming your life and reputation behind your back.
So where is all this money from when I was trafficked? When I was exploited? When someone made money leaking my photos? Why isn’t it in my pocket?
I would be a wealthy woman if I had been paid for everything others made money of mine, off of. Including MY BODY!
Do we have to teach women to be a Virgin Mary type of woman and if so, how do we choose which ones will be safe and which ones not?
Did people here flip a coin and decide that I was going to be tormented? Was it that I was unliked from an early age?
The amount of abuse I endured certainly seemed so. Was I a magnet to others fists, unkind words, and body parts?
What exactly is it that decides someone’s fate?
Angels? If so, mine are fired. They certainly haven’t been protective enough or been able to keep my path safe from predators and harm.
I know for a fact that nudity isn’t the issue.
A naked parade could take place in front of me and I would have no sexual response whatsoever.
My responses are not visual.
It’s in how I feel.
I am Demi sexual.
This means I need an emotional connection to desire to be intimate with another. Some chemistry. Some spirit connection.
As a teen-a young teen, After being trained to be a hooker while under the influence of drugs they gave me, not by choice, pretty horrible things were done to me. Things my body remembers and I have no control over the emotions sometimes, when it comes back. I’ve been TORMENTED here and then outcast for it. After being ‘trained’ or ‘seasoned,’ I found out it is called, I had a horrible reaction to trauma. I didn’t understand what happened to me and why. It was too much to handle alone and isolated. I’m still attempting to heal from
It now. I was crippled to be disappeared, for what was meant to be the last time on this circuit.
A circuit that will never be closed because people want to cover it up, for their own image.
Once I had a chance to find my way back to who I am, I became predominantly celibate, unless in a relationship.
I’m comfortable in my nudity but I have no desire to be exploited. Just like I am comfortable in a relationship making videos for ‘us,’ but not for them to show up on some cheap site.
I am comfortable posing for photos if I get paid for them; not for jealous, leech women, to exploit me. Or perverse men to make money off me and watch me struggle to survive. Out of those 19,000 photos there is a lot of usable material…..unfortunately it has been exploited, used as others body double, altered and turned into something seedy, instead of beautiful. I am not ok with that.
Also-when do I get paid for all this money made off of me?
Where is this market that I’m being sold on? When do I deserve to be safe?
Am I going to be forever subjected to hatred and lack of love because of this? Why was I ‘chosen’ to be sold and exploited? Why don’t people care?
I wouldn’t want this happening to my enemies children….so why are they ok with it happening here? Their silence is deciding the fate of many more young women……I don’t respect it.
While they make my life harder in the hardest time of it, they are completely losing my respect. Completely. I won’t ever view anyone the same again after this.
Trying to make a better and safer world with people too concerned about their image, or family name, is detrimental to the World.
All I will say to young women is…..be really careful who you accept food or drinks from. Now there are nail polish, straws & cups that change color when a drug is placed in them-utilize them! Be careful who you trust!
Develop hobbies that align with who you are, a strong sense of self and even if at home your being abused, try to love your self! You DESERVE to be safe! If the first message you receive from Your caretakers is abuse is normal; it will damage your life. Make sure you know, it IS NOT normal. You deserve LOVE, acceptance and respect, even as a young person!
Pour yourself into special interests you have. Don’t doubt what gives you confidence and if
you can, fight the sexual urges you have, long enough to make better choices about who you let touch you, or love you. Better to be intimate alone, than with the wrong person. Don’t subscribe to the heavy sexed western ideals. Porn isn’t necessary. You have a brain, an imagination and a body. I can’t help but think about what women are put through to become hookers and do porn, so it isn’t appealing to me.
Educate yourselves so you don’t become the young people, accepting that danger, as ‘part of life’ for others, when you wouldn’t want it for yourselves or your family.
Sexual energy is creative energy. Meditate; write, paint, read, dream, do! Exist in your young life and try and stay safe.
Be mindful of your friends & lovers.
Everyone deserves to be safe. Worldwide.
To be safe, loved, respected, protected, have nourishing food, clean water, a safe place to live & and An education!
