Blog, Mantra and painting by: Katherine Lily Mae Harris
Mantra for spinal cord injury
‘Any damaged or dead neurons act as two star neutrons, that when they collide cause a wave length of healing and restorative properties throughout body, mind and spirit.
All 100 Billion sensory neurons actively are speaking to, and regenerating, the sensory cortex. I stimulate and activate all cytokines to be working and engaging the immune system, to properly respond and heal. Oligodendrocytes are easily and rapidly producing Myelin to protect all axons, so they can work in accordance with my spinal column; allowing proper activation of central nervous system and healing. The billions of connections between neurons within my spinal cord and brain are perfectly firing and activated. I am healing, I deserve to heal. I am allowing my body to feel light. I am allowing my spinal cord to reactivate. May my spinal cord reactivate, Allowing all of the proper forces and sources to heal, fully and wholly.’
On May 10, 2020 my ex hit me in the spine with a chair. I broke up with him 6 weeks earlier. He had been incredibly mean to me on my birthday, after I literally waited on him hand and foot for weeks when he was sick. Feet massages, tinctures and teas, making stews and soups homemade, even though he bought a caseload of cans, homemade is my thing. On my birthday he was cruel. He left all day and came back to tell me that he had bought me a card, but wouldn’t write in it. I broke up with him and said that even my enemy stuck in my space with me on their birthday, I would be kinder to. If this sounds minor-you have to understand the major abuse he already put me through, yet he convinced me not to break up with him. Again. Foolishly I forgave him and stayed. For six weeks he was kind. He was similar to how he was in the beginning of our relationship. Seeming to want to work on problems, resolve issues, instead of drive me crazy with the same unresolved arguments. Typically in a fight I would ask him to stay and work it out, so he would leave. Always doing the opposite.
This day, he made a show of his daughter spending extra time with me, for Mother’s Day. It was only to upset her mother, I see that now. There is a correlation between the physical abuse and his ex moving on. For example, he saw her at the gym with her new man, one week before he body slammed me off the bed in 2018. This caused me to need three shoulder surgeries, instead of just one. It harmed my collarbone and caused the bone fragment to slice my bicep tendons. In fact, the surgeon who did my third surgery said that each tendon, front and back, were ‘hanging on by a thread.’ That third surgery was only eight months before he crippled me.
To say I wish I had broken up with him, not forgiven him, and left on my birthday is an understatement. I don’t know if I can forgive myself for staying, knowing he was abusive, because he had already been too abusive before. Protecting my abusers became normal and is something that is terrifying.
I entered into this relationship with him as a 30 year old woman. I had a really good life. I worked regularly, had spent over $100,000 on my certifications for my business. Was beginning to integrate my business, ‘Triple Goddess Healing Arts and Movement’ into my life. Teaching yoga and belly dance fitness (Goddess fitness) a strength training, yoga, belly dance and positive mantra class. I was singing in a cover band, belly dancing to rock, and had finally performed traditional and tribal, belly dance publicly, after being really shy about it, though dedicated to belly dance since 2011. I hiked regularly, helped walk dogs on the side. Catered a little here and there. I worked at my favorite restaurant. Genuinely a job I could do with no sleep. I loved my jobs and my life. All I needed to complete my goals was my land and my earthship with a yurt for my business.
I should have left that relationship in October of 2016. The first sign of abuse.
Instead I stayed. I had felt connected emotionally to his child, and she had connected to me, even calling me mom, before her mom told her to stop.
(I completely respect that). I asked his daughter much later; when she was about 7, what she wanted me to say to people when they thought I was her mother, if we were together. I planned on having my own kids someday and I was very concerned with how she would feel, and I never wanted her to feel left out, even though having my own kids was far in the future, (now probably never going to happen). She replied that if people didn’t know her mom and thought I was her mother, than she didn’t want me to correct them. Haha. I thought it was cute and I didn’t explain, if they knew her mom, they wouldn’t need explaining. So whenever people thought I was her mom, I let them. She did to. I will always love his daughter. Her and I were very close in the four years he and I were together.
I want her to always know, what he did to me, was not her fault. That I will always be her cheerleader and praying she has a really good life and travels someday, because she always was fascinated with my stories of travels, and wanted to go someday too. I have no doubts she will!
I arguably should have never entered into that relationship. I only did because I had a psychic reading on my birthday that year. 2016. The woman described a man entering into my life and some physical descriptions he fit. The way he entered my life was the same. I was recommended to go to this psychic by my then esthetician, who was in the same building as the psychic, and my ex…..the one who crippled me, that entered into my life the way described.
If that reading hadn’t occurred, I wouldn’t have ended up staying. I believed he was ‘the guy, from the reading’ Ya know; the ONE. I wish I left sooner or stayed gone.
Ladies-if he is abusive, he doesn’t love you, leave, while you’re strong enough to.
I was really at a good place in my life. Car to drive, good jobs, balance of hobbies and future career, affordable rent in a great location, had my dog, my ABLE & very AGILE body and my life on a trajectory for a really great one……
Within six months he was abusive. Within a year he was horrible. We broke up 7 times. He would always bring his daughter into the conversation to get me to come back. Sometimes bringing her. ‘She really needs you.’ I believed his lies because I had been abused by a woman. I knew what that does and I took on the role of protector.
I was later told by his daughter’s mother, maybe I saved her life. Maybe I did. Maybe that was why I stayed….from a spiritual perspective.
From my perspective; I do wish I left. Or never dated him to begin with.
He called me a bitch that day on Mother’s Day. The ‘Mom of the house,’ his daughters bonus mom, as she called me. We were close. On Mother’s Day, after he made a show of wanting the morning to be about his daughter and I……she just wanted to play a video game. No problem.
During that argument on Mother’s Day, I ASKED him to LEAVE, it’s usually what he did anyways. he refused. Instead following me around and baiting me. I finally turned around to leave the room we were in. He followed me in, where I was in the closet, where my dresses were kept. I went to leave and he threw a large pink(12 inch by 6 inch thick) knotted about four or five across and six knots down, dog rope at my leg, like a football. It hit me HARD! Him and his daughter complained if my 20pound Boston terrier shook it by their leg and tapped them with it, imagine what it felt like to be pelted like a football by a 6ft tall 230-260lb man?! I’m 5’3” and 115lb.
I was furious he had harmed me again! Furious I had not stayed broken up with him 6 weeks before. I grabbed what was closest and I picked up, a metal bottomed chair, I said ‘STOP bullying me!’ I thought about pelting him in the face with it….he deserved worse after what he put me through, instead I threw it off to the side of him. It didn’t touch him. I just wanted him to know, I could have and that I was done tolerating him abusing me. I thought, ‘THERE…..now he will leave me alone…….’
Wrong……
I turned around to leave the room, I heard him take a step behind me-one step to cover the four feet that separated us, then he hit me in my spine.
I took another half step forward and collapsed. Dropped to my knees, my arms unable to catch my fall. I lost consciousness as he slammed the door to the room closed behind me.
My last thought…..‘how could I let this happen….’ As I looked at the drum legs on the floor. His death metal drum set, next to our bed, in the living room. I went to a beautiful place.
I heard the bell on the door behind me and I woke up and I ran. I ran. Out the door and down the stairs. He yelled and came after me, ‘where are you
Going?!’ I said, ‘the police.’ Not my usual go to-but he hit me in my spine, knocking me unconscious. I can’t believe I stayed standing, just like men in war or athletics, stay standing in situations they are struck in the spine-it’s called SURVIVAL instinct. I realized my keys and my dog were in the house. My dog that he abused. He said he would call his lawyer and tell the police I was crazy, he said a lot…..I ran up the stairs and got passed him to get inside to my dog-I got mamma bear about my pup and told him to leave. He did.
I went to the bathroom and took a picture of my spine to see where he hit me. It hurt so bad and already my right side body was numb, I had blurred vision and nausea. It HURT bad! The photo showed a decent sized red mark directly on my t7-10 right sided spine. Near where I get a sun spot during tanning season. About one vertebrae below that birthmark, that is brown, not ever red, is where he hit me. I went to the bedroom to conduct my own investigation because I needed to know what he hit me with. It hurt too bad to be just his fist, what I initially thought….on the floor was a large marble, I thought maybe he threw that right at my
Spine, which is why it hurt-the chair was there too, different position from before. It hurt bad. I can take a beating too, have since I was young. Stoic and tough.
I got into bed with my dog.
I just laid there. I didn’t know what to do. I really just froze. And my body was partially paralyzed.
Did you know there were ambulatory spinal cord injuries that are life threatening? Yeah…..me neither.
Until this.
He came home crying that night on his knees and begging for forgiveness. He said that he had a traumatic response and snapped because of how much he was abused by his mom and ex wife, in that moment he said he didn’t want to hurt me, but he saw me as them. All that built up abuse from his past…..I should have known he was LYING. He had already been abusive to me before. I felt bad for HIM, though. The curse of too much empathy and such a kind heart.
I told him to tell me what he hit me with. He eventually admitted it was the chair. He said he threw it, but he must have been holding it still, slamming it down on that impact site which was concentrated and DIRECTLY on my spine.
One thing I needed to know from him, if I was to forgive him, was
‘If you snapped and thought it was your mom or your ex…..when you saw me laying on the floor losing consciousness, why did you close the door, instead of run to help me?’
He had no answer.
I told him that I would forgive him, but I may not get over him slamming the door. It didn’t really align with his story…..I said, if I couldn’t forgive him, I needed him to help me move out, because he hurt me bad.
That we would go our separate ways. I said I would try my best to forgive him though….he began googling spine doctors right away in Boston. He knew how bad he hurt me.
It was horrible.
Below is the notes I wrote on May 11, 2020 I labeled it as ‘Magickal day at the mountain’ so if he looked at my phone. (Which he did often) he wouldn’t read it…..I wanted there to be proof of what he did, if I died. He hit me in my SPINE! My life force!
Below is what I wrote:
It was actually the chair, he told me this morning….I thought it was the marble….the marble he threw at me.
Convulsions
Breathing trouble
Blurred vision
Nausea
He wouldn’t leave me alone
I put the marble in my candle box
Silver and red looks like a tiny chest
It hurts really bad.
Day 2
It hurts laying in bed even.
Making me feel nauseous
Pain radiates you back
(End notes)
It was horrible. Really Scary.
That week I spent in bed. Anytime I was in the car, I sat on pillows and kept my body straight, as if in a halo.
I just wriggled like a snake in bed. In the shower, I used to lift my leg like a gymnast to shave, I couldn’t get it above 6 inches on my right side. I was weak, in pain and terrified. I called the doctor the next day. My doctor was his client, he got his hair cut every three weeks. He told me not to tell him the truth, on agreement that HE would tell him the truth, during the haircut.
I asked him to tell the doctor the truth, the police the truth and to call a batterers of women counseling group, for help.
He said he would.
I foolishly believed him.
During that week, my right side body was numb and my right leg would drag behind me like a pirate. I was scared.
The week before I had just told him I was going to belly dance again. Eight months after my third and most invasive shoulder/bicep tendon surgery I had between 2018 and 2019-my bicep tendons taking the longest to heal…..I told him I was going to wear my costumes and dance on the mountain. I went for four mountain hikes that week before he hit me. I was excited to go back to work. I would dance and stand painting, for six hours. Sometimes he laid watching me, saying I was really fun to watch.
Well, he took all that away in one moment.
Most bellydance came really easy to me. I had been focused on it since 2011 and doing it since 1999:2000 in my
Living room or a chair, or ‘whenever, wherever’ (song reference…..shimmy shimmy shimmy) I had been shimmying since I was kid…..dance! The only belly dance move that took me a while to master, was the belly flutter. When you access the diaphragm and shimmy it. It’s really beautiful. It took me four years to perfect.
He took it away in that moment. In fact, it collapsed my diaphragm,
Making it near impossible to breathe.
The doctor said to rest for six weeks. No rigorous dance, etc.
In the next seven days I had already lost consciousness once, my right side body was numb, I was waking like a pirate, I wasn’t myself. It was scary. I went to the ER. He accompanied me; explaining what I was to say happened.
The front desk lady must have misread the situation…..probably thinking I wanted drugs.
The thing is, I had SO MANY NARCOTICS in my bathroom leftover from 3 shoulder repairs and a tooth extraction from 2016. I had so many meds in my bathroom and all had free refills on them too. I don’t like what they do to my body, I used mostly Tylenol pm after my surgeries. It never occurred to me to take a narcotic for my spinal cord injury, caused by blunt force trauma.
I didn’t need drugs, I needed help! (I brought them to the police for proper disposal December 2020)
I told my ex I wanted to break up. I said I couldn’t forgive him for closing the door after he crippled me.
He refused.
He offered me $10,000 if I didn’t say anything. He told me he would take care of me forever…..yeah, while he was killing me.
It was terrifying. I was upset.
I went to the doctor. He prescribed physical therapy.
I went to physical therapy.
I went from doing Sun salutation to being unable, I couldn’t do downward dog with a spinal cord injury. I could do postures, my body locked up, but when it was done, it was done and I would collapse, walk like a T-Rex, a sloth, a pirate.
I begged for a thoracic mri. I received a lumbar mri and thoracic X-ray June 12, 2020. The doctor said right side body numbness could only be caused by lumbar issues, not thoracic. I begged my ex to tell the doctor the truth. Brown sequard is right side body numbness-partial spinal cord injury.
Over that time, my ex was strange. Back and forth like he always was, but he bought me things. Canvas from job lots, a few books I didn’t even ask for. He was being weird.
He kept offering me $10,000 if I wouldn’t say anything. I refused. I said I wanted to heal.
Not his money.
After six weeks of mostly resting and trying to heal, my ex put on a song outside and said I should dance, he knew how much I wanted to dance again, before he hit me. He filmed me dancing…..something he NEVER did when I was able bodied….in fact he was incredibly mean about me belly dancing and my costumes, telling me I looked like a slut in them as early as February of 2017. He NEVER filmed me in our relationship.
After he crippled me though, he became a filmographer……He filmed me trying to ride a bike. He filmed me at the top of the mountain, After I cried on the way there and up. My first hike since he hit me-after hiking four times the week before and having NO issues, I hiked all the time. I was a non performing athlete. He filmed me at the top.
He didn’t film me walking up struggling and slow, with a stick. Before I walked barefoot on my toes. Up that trail in 18 minutes.
Funny though, He NEVER filmed me in bed for countless hours. Me in the car, on the way somewhere, sitting on loads of pillows, straight in a corset body like wearing a halo and cringing as we went over bumps.
He never filmed me walking like a sloth or a T-Rex. He never filmed me not being able to eat, or lift my leg, or losing consciousness……
Our relationship was a bizarre and terrifying thing that summer. He told me if I didn’t take care of his daughter, he wouldn’t let me eat. Ironically I already was having a hard time eating and losing consciousness regularly. Evidently losing consciousness from autonomic dysreflexia, and not being able to eat because of neurogenic bowels.
My doctor did a nuclear digestion test, proving digestion was fine, that it was spine hit related. I had a colonoscopy one week before my third shoulder and bicep tendon repair, so it wasn’t colon related.
It was from a spine hit. Neurogenic bowels.
I was vocal about wanting to leave. I would state regularly that he hit me in my spine.
I needed help.
As I wrote in my journal the day after he hit me in the spine, ‘he knows I have no one, he can do whatever he wants.’
My ex started to amplify the night harming.
He kicked me in my right ribs, at night in bed. Drop kicking me HARD! Any healing done, was reversed x100. The next day I asked him to let me record him admitting to what he did. He said he would tell the truth and it was August, he still hadn’t. It was terrifying. I started to realise he had no intention of letting me leave and no intention of telling the truth, he had no intention of letting me live. He admitted to what he did to me and knew I recorded it. I held it in front of him. I was really terrified. I had no money. Nowhere to go and a spinal cord injury. It was scary.
I wanted to leave and I wasn’t backing down about wanting to, he knew people would start putting things together. I stopped sleeping with him, so while I was on the rooftop one day he came out and started to fool around with me, I said no a lot, then brought him inside, no one would care if I yelled for help, they hadn’t yet.
He knew what he was doing that summer; manipulating the right people and trying to fool me long enough to get away with it.
He bought me an inversion table and said, ‘aren’t you lucky to have me to take care of you….’ After HE crippled me…..disgusting.
He kept offering me money. $10,000 again and again.
I said NO! I wanted to leave! I wanted to heal!
I told the doctor what he did to me.
I begged him to give me a thoracic mri. I was really scared. My injury was so BAD!
I KNOW how to take a beating. And my ex wasn’t stopping the night harming. He was so mad I told the doctor the truth. He knew how to manipulate his way around it, though. And he did.
He said if I went to police he would call his lawyer and say I was just crazy. His best friend was the ex police chief’s son.
He cut the hair of one of the head ‘Hells angels’ wives. He triangulated me with them and others. Some of them went to the strip club when I worked there in 2005/06’ He knew what he was doing. I never had any issues with Hells Angels, they shouldn’t have had any issues with me, either & they shouldn’t now neither.
My ex triangulated me with the doctor, police and other dangerous people. Just like my ex husband did.
The weeks leading up to him hitting me on Mother’s day, he asked questions about my time at the strip club. It looks like someone must have ‘ratted’ someone’s drug trade….you don’t want to be on that list…..
I am anti human trafficking, that’s it. I’m not an addict, not a dealer and not in government.
I am a harmonizer, a mediator, a woman way too kind for my own good.
I went into super traumatized and dissociation mode. I was dying of blunt force trauma. I just didn’t know it was called autonomic dysreflexia. I lost consciousness 7 times between when he hit me and February 2022, when I discovered what autonomic dysreflexia was. Thank you to the Christopher Reeves free webinars!
I went to the ER mid august 2020 after he kicked me, and was diagnosed with Thorocolumbar radioculopathy.
Increased bilirubin levels from the spine hit.
The ER doctor, asked my doctor to refer me to a neurologist and osteopath. He was the same doctor I saw years before for ovarian cysts at the ER in damariscotta, he knows I can tolerate pain.
I was terrified of my ex. I told him if he killed me, everyone would know it was him that did it.
I finally got away from him September 23, 2020.
I waited to report it officially, until his daughter was safely with her mother.
I was awarded a 6 month temporary protection from abuse order on October of 2020, keeping him from the apartment and me. Stating that Persaeus was my dog and he was to leave her alone. Stating that any revenge photos or videos leaked of me, would be not tolerated.
At court, his lawyer offered to have him pay my rent for six months, I refused.
I didn’t want his $10,000 before I left and I didn’t want his money then either. To me, it is shit, just like him. He can stuff it. I helped him so much financially in the beginning of our relationship and he CRIPPLED me! He should have just let us break up the six weeks before.
For his lies to be believed, he had to cripple me. Otherwise I’d have a good life.
He shouldn’t have been around me or the apartment at ANY time during then or any other time. I didn’t want him anywhere near me! I never ever want to see him again. The only time I want to hear anything about him, is when he is dead. Then, I will be happy.
After the six months temporary protection order was up. The lawyer advised me to not go to hearing for a longer one, because his lawyer would use it against me during the trial for him abusing me. I was so close to dropping the charge; just like I did for my ex husband’s domestic violence charge, when I forgave my ex husband too, and tried to work on our marriage. My ex husband and I have been divorced since 2008.
My therapist helped me realise that if my ex fiancé ever harmed another, and I dropped that charge; I would feel responsible. So I followed through.
I didn’t have any money, I had a spinal cord injury.
I was connected to God/allah/shiva from how much I was dying: I was in a very spiritual place.
My ex triangulated me and spread his lies. He successfully sold me to a trafficking network that was watching me. Waiting. They knew I was crippled.
I got a job for minimum wage working with kids, during the pandemic. They knew I had a spine injury and made lots of adaptations for me. I laid around
A lot more than usual. Luckily the kids didn’t mind and it mostly worked out. I really loved working with kids. Always have.
If I had gotten away from my ex without him crippling me, that job would have been perfect!
I would have taught kids and adult belly dance and yoga classes on the side. Done Magick and shaman workshops. I liked the women I worked for. I liked the principles of the place. I was always good with kids. Unfortunately being crippled, it took everything I had to stay upright.
I would get home and collapse on the floor, crawl to the shower before taking my dog out. On the weekends, I tried to dance a little, take my dog outside in flat nature trails, until I would fall down, crawl, walk like a sloth or t-Rex-evidently looking like a tweaker, but just a crippled.
I guess it was fun for people to exploit that time period….
I was just a woman doing my best, dying of blunt force trauma and determined to heal and make a life.
I spoke to my ex on the phone January 2021, (not the man who crippled me, the man I fell in love with in India) and the government harassed me right after, a bunch. Like I needed that. My exes last name is a targeted one.
I did some healing workshops with Zorba the Buddha online, the beginning of February 2021, Zorba is Where I stayed my first few days in India in 2015. When I studied Ayurveda, yoga and dance at Nrityagram.
I was desperate to heal!
I took a Sufi workshop and fell in love with the practices. Singing ‘La illaha Il Allah’ and feeling awakened, while terrifying my neighbors accidentally. I Sufi spinned for about 45 minutes at a time with my swords, or rainbow fans, my billowy dresses and skirts. I would stop and bow, then get in the car to go to work. I didn’t get dizzy. I terrified the government. Add two automatic weapons to a woman who can spin around for 45 minutes in a circle, without getting dizzy, and you get what I mean…..it wasn’t suppose to be ‘physiologically possible’ neither was me staying upright after a man broke my spine.
My mri was finally scheduled for my thoracic spine March of 2021! I was relieved, I thought; finally! They will help!
Wrong.
It got covered up via coding.
Even without the mri, all the medical records prove it’s a spinal cord injury. All the vitals from the osteopath I saw from October 2020 until April of 2021. That ER diagnosis. My physical symptoms and my word. Linking with that clear photo of where he hit me.
I continued to be harassed by government, who deny it now, of course, they have no honor……
My mri covered up via coding.
All my records began being altered from thoracic spine to lumbar, another give away they were choosing medical torture. Guess my SAUDI ex really downplayed the USA targeting him. All we did is speak & look what they did to me.
Add in the psychological attempts they made at torment. (I’ll make a separate blog about that & a separate one about the oppression and the ‘Cute little tactics’ by grown people who deserve to be in jail, for tormenting an autistic, middle aged, domestic violence survivor, who was crippled by her ex. They sprayed my bed space with nervine-cia tactics taught to subcontractors. Retaliation for things done in the name of Allah. I will add all this in my psychological warfare post-explaining what they did to me, and they now pretend never happened, while still medically torturing and oppressing me. )
The temporary protection from abuse was up April of 2021 so I began posting about my spinal cord injury on social media and the abuse. I told him I would, because if he killed me; everyone would know it was him. Guess him selling me to a sex trafficking network, was supposed to be an easier attempt to disappear me.
I joined a Sufi group through Toronto April of 2021. Automatically now on the ‘watch list’ but why wasn’t the man who crippled me!? The people covering up my mri? The ones who think they ‘bought me?’ Why weren’t the men harassing me? Why weren’t they on the list?
Why was I? I can think about better things to Do with that money……
Sufis=the dispellers of darkness & yet blamed for the darkness of the individuals who fear them.
I’m a real Sufi, witch and shaman, they haven’t seen that in a while.
After multiple job attempts it was clear I was crippled.
I didn’t have time to be bothered by the harassment of the government, I was trying to heal and handle emotions from my messed up relationship…..like I had time to address their clearly illegal & overboard harassment of me.
I’m a ‘nobody’ though, they know they can get away with it-claiming I’m crazy.
In this time Period I woke up at 3am. I sang for an hour in prayer, did my meditions and mantras, practiced my Magick. I painted. I played the keyboard and sang.
I stayed close to God/Allah/Shiva and I let no man near me. Still haven’t. Four years and nine months consecutively celibate and alone.
I kept trying to heal!
I would shower then and imagine that my body could rejuvenate like an Axolotl. That I was capable of great healing and regeneration.
I even painted some cute little Axolotls for reference: painting featured in my blog today.
I learned about the spine and spinal cord. I kept trying to heal.
I learned about autonomic dysreflexia and how to manage it. I said my mantras that I made -posted above.
I applied for social security. Signed up for school.
An American degree to compliment my yoga, dance and Ayurveda certifications.
I had ptsd from my ex and a spine injury.
They dropped the funding for school one week before Christmas. Then in Afghanistan a week LATER, funding was dropped for those women’s education too.
A physiatrist diagnosed a ‘reminiscent brown sequard syndrome’ t7-10 December 15, 2021 after prick testing,( when they poke pins in your bum-)then two days later she asked who advocated for me, after I asked to see a spinal cord injury specialist, and it was deleted.
My ex got away with everything during a jury trial. Almost two years after he hit me, dragged out intentionally. 2022 I was on the stand as a survivor testifying, for one hour, being treated like I was the perpetrator. I could barely stand for the jury that found him not guilty.
I had to lean on the desk.
For a jury that found him NOT guilty…….I, stood for THEM,
As a spinal cord injured woman.
I was belittled by the prosecutor, treated like a silly woman.
Im a SURVIVOR of more abuse, rape and torment, then they have ever seen, or experienced.
This once again sets the tone, people can do whatever they want to me and get away with it.
Look what I have survived here.
Look how forgiving I stay and look what they do in return.
I tried an Etsy page for paintings, it went nowhere. Denied disability twice before giving away over half my belongings and leaving on FOOT with a Walker and spinal cord injury. Posting for years about what was happening and what I needed to rebuild my life, while everyone downplayed everything and made me seem crazy.
I had a perfect credit score and available credit on my credit cards-so they saved my life, or just prolonged my slow death…..
I have narrowly avoided being successfully disappeared.
Been living in oppression and degrading conditions.
My gofundme is a standstill.
And people have yet to be honorable In Regards to what they did. Another testament to being forgiving not always being the right action.
I want to HELP people.
I learned a lot about spinal cord injury. I could’ve built my life even as a crippled woman, had people been honorable.
Instead I’m oppressed, living in degrading conditions, people think this is a joke.
I don’t though. Not at all.
Sitting here it’s about 110 degrees Fahrenheit.
I have no fridge, no freezer.
I defecate in plastic bags,
I have a cook stove. I can’t care for cleaning the way I need to. So it’s infested. New insects biting all the time. Luckily there are jumping spiders and I can paint everything.
I have no shower.
Well Water that is carried and boiled. Four mile walk to get groceries.
In debt. No job. No income. No mobility scooter. No way to move forward. Stuck.
I Just keep using my voice until people understand.
When the government targets people this way, the people usually don’t survive. Especially if they are middle eastern.
No one wants to hear about the trafficking network here, they are more concerned with image and ego. How many young people and women go missing and no one bats an eyelash at it?
If you think this is a repetitive blog, it is. People on my
Social media are tired of hearing it-but when I was posting all rainbows and light, no one was listening either.
Until my Basic needs are met and people understand what just took place and how serious it is-I’m not going to stop posting.
Until this brings changes HERE, where I lived and was tormented, all my life, I’m not going to stop talking about it.
How could everyone let things go this far?
How do you sleep at night?!
Until it changes, I will keep
Posting and then when I have control over my life again, when I’m safe, I will go back to sprinkling glitter and sprouting sunshine from my ass again.
People love that autistic joy, but few can handle the storm.