The best thing I ever did for myself was to stop dating for years at a time. Practicing CELIBACY.
No intimacy with anyone and just being able to focus on my
Life, my goals, my future.
This (coming up on) four year period is different for me, because I am crippled, because of my ex.
I got away from him September 23, 2020
And I haven’t let a man near me since. 
Except a few of my gay friends. Always safe.
Always. 
It took me three years to decide if I was ready for someone to be a part of my life.
Knowing I was crippled.
Knowing I didn’t have my finances perfectly in order. 
I believed at the time-I would receive my disabiity as it was the 3rd time applying, went to trial and had a lawyer presenting the case. Then I could have received adequate medical care, from the country I was in. 
Not to mention, I PAID in to that system the 22 years I worked!
I do have a right to that money, because I actually NEED it.
I paid it in and what they have caused is inexcusable.
May they see what it’s like.
The reality is, after three years alone, I had decided that for the right person, I would be ready.
That was last year.
What I just experienced was true hell, so I had to think about a lot more factors than just;
‘What kind of partner am I going to make as a crippled woman?’
Pretending being crippled isn’t a factor, isn’t helpful or practical. How many able bodied people choose a crippled spouse, over an able bodied woman? Think about it.
To the pleasure of my ex & many web traps seeing me struggle-I don’t find it amusing.
Knowing who I am, my flaws, my insecurities BEFORE being crippled and knowing how I feel like this.
For me I felt beautiful when I was Strong and Active! 
I was athletic. 
A non performing athlete.
With this body-
This ‘new’ crippled body.
I don’t feel beautiful.
And if you don’t FEEL beautiful it is a lot more likely you will feel
Insecure.
My luck with men in the past has been for them to break me down and exploit me.
My longest relationships have both done that.
Imagine now that I’m crippled how easy that would be.
I had much to consider.
I am proud of me!
For taking the time to consider whether or not I would be a good companion like this.
I still have a ways to go to redesign a life, especially with the lack of support in almost ALL aspects Of life, needing to be getting a mobility scooter; a degree, (my certifications count for nothing here without community support) a stable income and place of my OWN. How can I trust another again with my well being after what I lived through?
Maybe when this is all accomplished-I will be able to let someone new in……
Celibacy this time has lasted almost 4 years.
September 23 this year will be four since I got away from him-
and leading up to the end, the relationship was tumultuous as you can imagine.
He hit me in my spine May 10, 2020 and I left in September!!!!
Celibacy means no sexual or intimate relationships,
I won’t even let anyone near me.
I’ve been through hell.
I’m crippled.
Who knows how long I will be alone if I can get through this.
Maybe I’ll never let anyone near me again.
Maybe it will be once my life is in order.
I can’t keep myself safe if I don’t have an income and control over my life.
I won’t be put in a situation where I am raped or abused again. I will die first.
I told myself last year that this September, the four year mark, I would go on a date, but now-
It’s fast approaching.
I don’t think I can yet.
When desiring a relationship it was when I thought disability would be honorable. That I would be able to re-design my life like this.
REDESIGN a life with a less able body than I should have-because of a man!!!!
Disability honorable……in the USA, Right?! good joke.
As I await my 4th appeals 3 YEARS later!!
No wonder homelessness is an issue in this country, with 40% of our homeless population with a PHYSICAL disability.
A failing system.
I tried 5 different jobs…..I have a life threatening ambulatory spinal cord injury!!!!They are horrific! 
Back to celibacy and love.
Maybe after being alone for 5 years?!
Maybe then I would be ready to go on a date?
Maybe not.
It was a 4 year relationship.
Now I’ve been alone as long as we were Together.
I haven’t stayed alone because I missed him or was heartbroken, but because I went through hell. He put me through Absolute HELL.
He Crippled me and what has happened since is pretty unforgivable.
He got away with it ALL.
I didn’t file a case against him to sue him. 
I reported it, hoping to spare any other women from his abuse.
He said he would go to a ‘batterers of women’s class’ to get help for his issues.
He didn’t.
They helped him get away with everything and made me seem unaccountable and ‘crazy.’
No one knows what that relationship was like for me and what he brought into my life.
No one in his life was very honorable when it came to telling the truth when it mattered.
To young women, I would encourage instead of a highly sexed approach that our society presents, to instead find an approach that centers you and focuses you, on you.
YOUR hobbies, your career choices or what you think they may be, it’s normal to change through life. To focus on what it means to be you and what you really love. When no one is around and you only have yourself.
What do you love?
What do you like to do?
The time period I spent celibate in my mid to late 20s was the best of my life.
I focused on art, dance, music, hiking, my dog, herbal medicine and study.
I only wish I had started sooner and not stopped until I met a man that was my god ordained spouse.
Or what is known to those who are religious as a ‘rib spouse’
That’s why my ex
Kicked me in my ribs around this time in the year 2020. It was terrifying.
He was terrifying
Am I going to be able to even let
Someone near me?
I don’t trust anyone now.
Not after the web trap last October.
I more than likely will never trust anyone again.
I am so close to death anyways.
They don’t care about my life.
The inner organ damage from a neglected spinal cord injury alone-is major.
I’m Still processing everything I continue to be put through-
Being trafficked at any age and any physical circumstance is traumatic.
I was horrified it was about to happen to me again-only as a crippled woman, celibate, tramautised and now middle aged. I’m 38.
When I was a teenager, the drugs they put in my drink to rape me, paralyses the ability to use your body and speak-Atleast it wore off eventually and use of my body returned.
This spine hit-isn’t the same.
It isn’t going to ‘wear off’
It’s going to impact my whole life.
That’s reality.
Even if I make the best of it.
If I ever gain control over my life again and feel like I have safety, then will I ever be ready to let someone I don’t know in my life?
The last man I slept next to was the one who crippled me, psychologically tormented me at night, including night harming me.
How will I rest next to another again?
Doesn’t that make me messed up to the point of not being able to be loved at all?
And I’m crippled.
I just don’t think it’s going to be possible
And having thought I could trust someone who turned out to be a web trap after that three years alone, is just too much.
I won’t ever understand this time period.
After October 7th 2023
I won’t be able to believe someone cares about me again.
Coming home to a sidewalk and realizing how few people ever cared. The most dangerous time period of my life and so many looked away. Like it wasn’t happening.
It’s wild to think back upon
Sex and my high sex drive.
Is it something I was born with, or something that is formed out of trauma?
When I took time being celibate I realized how much my attraction is Demisexual.
I also realized then, how much trauma I had been through and was able to process a portion of it.
I’m not like everyone else.
I don’t view others in a highly sexualised way as many in the West. I realized it was a form of autistic masking. Oftentimes.
I have a very controlled mind.
A mind that just doesn’t work that way.
Maybe because of the fact that energy to me is what enhances how I feel about someone.
I don’t just see their outer appearance.
I’ve never been into porn.
I have seen images, read intimate descriptive novels, watched a few videos-but I’m a demisexual, so I am different sexually. Porn doesn’t do anything for me.
I have a high sex drive which is either from trauma or just who I am.
I am older now and crippled so it’s a bit different. And I’ve been celibate-(haven’t let anyone near me) for four years consecutively.
I know that some of the back rooms I was taken in to as a 14 year old, seemed to have lighting and multiple men around me.
If they filmed it and exploited me-there will be a ricochet effect that they regret.
Severely, regret, I’m certain.
No amount of covering what they did-will ever get them away with the real Karma they will see when it’s time.
For myself personally, I just liked to connect to my partner.
Sexual connection is such a major commitment.
I’m a monogamous woman and require the same in a spouse.
My level of loyal is huge!
So, for now, celibacy continues and contrary to what I believed, a date after 4 years is incredibly unlikely, unless it’s alone.
I need a lot more in my life to feel safe before I could ever let anyone near me again.
I recommend to women that aren’t in relationships to attempt celibacy.
Once you do it.
It is so easy to do.
Yes we require intimacy, but not at the cost of our safety, sanity, emotional well being or health.
All I know is that if I ever let anyone near me again. I will be so ready for lots of love.
My love language is affection and I don’t ever receive any.
I will be in the arms of my future lover-so quick.
Once they earn my trust.
Until then……….
