Ive noticed as I’ve aged that I was misunderstood for a good portion of my life.
I didn’t realize until mid 30s, it’s due to being autistic.
Neuro-divergent it is referred to-
Now at almost 39, I have this issue with life where my circumstances don’t fit my ‘karma.’ It is indeed not easy to understand how my ex got away with crippling me, I wasn’t approved Disability social security-to REDESIGN a life-crippled!
Money that I paid in 22 years-I worked all the time!
I will never understand why so many people thought it was best to play a game with me-being cruel, in the time that was the hardest and while I have been attempting to heal from an ambulatory spinal cord injury.
One thing about autism is that we are genuine people.
We don’t have the standard use of ‘manipulation’ as other ‘neuro-typical’ individuals are born with.
We, those with autism, really like logic. The World could really use applied logic.
Misunderstandings-
What kind of questions do you ask?
If you don’t understand what someone means-whether by tone or word, do you ask questions for clarity? (I’m not speaking about differences in language spoken)
One of the things I wish people did when they asked me questions, is not be so sure of themselves……their assessment of me. I evidently, am not such an open book as I thought.
I can give several examples of this-they aren’t joyful.
One evening I went with a friend to his place. I was 16. He decided to hold me hostage until I slept with him. It was pretty awful. By the time I convinced him to bring me home (I lived with a friend’s family) I was hysterical. She kept asking me ‘how much did you drink?’ ‘How much did you drink?’
She always had good intentions. ALWAYS. That woman is a good mamma and wonderful person. If she had realized I was autistic, maybe we would have communicated better than we already did. We did get close for a time, which slightly upset her daughter. I wish instead of asking me that night, the generalized questions she had asked ‘what happened?’ Or ‘ what’s the matter?’
That night, he called me after bringing me home and kept me on the phone, loading a gun and saying he was going to kill himself because I wouldn’t be his girlfriend.
The next day he showed up during the last half the day, I was so worried. It was awful. I think he has since gone on to have a good life and I am certain, he wouldn’t want someone doing that to his daughter, ever.
An interesting topic of conversation is
*Would it have made a difference how someone communicated or asked questions??
I don’t know.
Select mutism is real.
You can speak on how it is trauma based, but the truth is, with autism and delayed processing, we don’t always have the ability to be in the same time and space as you. We don’t always have that ability, even if it is frustrating for us or others.
I also wish I could ask people ‘what they meant by that’ in so many moments, but sometimes the opportunity isn’t there or it has passed.
Another example is having the police officer, September of 2023, certain I was ‘too in it’ not realize, I was a crippled woman and I was seeking medical refuge because of the danger I was in, due to triangulation of others…….I really needed help then. This was serious. This IS serious. It’s just downplayed because of autism, it’s downplayed by dangerous people and downplayed by those that look foolish for fumbling this.
I can give numerous horrible examples of how autism and trauma takes place.
How autism can save you from noticing how bullied you are, for a time, which is good in some ways, but also can cause you to notice your in danger, way too late….
For instance-being raped or gang raped and being altered by the effects, of the substance they placed in my drink, this is to prevent me from being able to speak or move my body properly…..this is one of the many reasons having an ambulatory spinal cord injury, is so triggering.
When you are being harmed and you can’t get away or use your voice, it is terrifying. Truly. It is horrible.
I will never understand how anyone can witness a woman being passed around like a fish, flopping and unable to move or speak, and think she is enjoying herself……if it was a man, nobody would be confused.
When I was being raped or gang raped as a teen, one of the common phrases was they would ‘do it to my sister’ or ‘sisters’ if I ever said anything. This is while under the effects of these substances; these drugs they put in my drink to make me helpless-my least favorite thing.
On top of autism and already being select mute-this adds to the trauma behind staying select mute-to the point of it being noticeable.
To Law enforcement who cares about preventing human trafficking, be advised.
Something I put together through this horrible time of processing my life, is that at the time of being raped and gang raped, a man was contacting my child sister through the interweb.
I lived at home on and off-mostly off-so I found out a little after it occurred-this was meant to scare me into silence.
If you are working a case, as a law official or you are a parent, if you have multiple aged kids in a family, please take note.
They aren’t just targeting one.
Traffickers often use women with sisters or kids to force them into complacency or silence. This was meant to train me to be a hooker. I however, said no, when put in that position, that is without being drugged by them first-when they drug you, they do what they want. I was supposed to successfully be disappeared in this time period-so that I stayed silent.
So many willing to turn a ‘blind eye’ because of guilt or being afraid of getting into trouble or being seen differently by those they loved. I wasn’t supposed to come back from Peru & if I did, I was supposed to be disappeared easily.
Isolating yourself is an instinct when you feel you have to protect others.
It later becomes a necessity because there is only so much a person can endure before we say
ENOUGH.
I’ve had ENOUGH.
I have autism unleashed now, as I call it.
I audibly process.
I speak my mind.
I get angry.
I get upset.
I sing.
I sing it out, because violence is bad, and it isn’t my nature.
I wish it was.
I dream of a day where I can avenge myself.
I dream of a day where I can make sure if anyone around me is hurting another, I can intervene.
I haven’t asked for help much in my life, and going to the police for it, rarely happens…..if I do, it’s pretty serious. More serious than you would understand.
One of my therapists said I have the ‘tendency to downplay traumatic events.’
Yes-yes I do that.
Big time.
She also said I talk about trauma as if it is no big deal, without emotion attached.
Because it is a fact. Talking about it won’t always bring emotion, it depends on the moment.
I can’t ever fake emotion.
It doesn’t happen.
I’m genuine in that way and so many more.
Unfortunately for autistic people, we have the tendency to not leave abuse until too late, we become ‘loyal’ to this partner or persons of abuse.
One thing I’ve never liked to do, is let people know what I’ve lived through, it usually has given others the excuse to treat me poorly.
Just look at my life right now.
How on earth can I make sense of what just occurred??
I won’t ever.
Never will I understand how this time period went so horribly.
Just keep in mind, whether speaking to an autistic person or a young person, think of the questions you ask. Make them more open ended. Allow them to express themselves. It isn’t easy to do. I’ve never had kids of my own, but I have helped take care of many.
For those of us that are ‘good at masking’ it is because we didn’t have a choice.
I’m almost 39 in The year 2025-there wasn’t the same attention to these issues when I was young, it was sink or swim.
I didn’t have it easy, but I learned a lot.
High masking autism doesn’t change autism.
Just like having an ambulatory spinal cord injury, but not appearing ‘injured enough’ to others who are different in body:mind:spirit and agility-doesn’t change the fact that I have an ambulatory spinal cord injury.
My go- to feel good approach to life, is through movement!
Running. Hiking. Dancing! Walking fast. It’s who I am! Who I have always been.
I’m just crippled now-in order for me to be happy, I need to move energy! This is a hard injury for me, I have to teach myself how to handle my emotions in a different way!
I learned how to handle myself. How to thrive. How to make a life for myself.
Crippled-its now different.
Autistic and crippled, it’s messy, but I am so proud of myself!
I didn’t deserve what I’ve experienced, but I am still here. Somehow.
Yay myself!