Surviving Not Thriving Continued - Triple Goddess Arts

Last night when I woke up from a dream, I couldn’t help but think about the night that my ex body slammed me off of the bed, it fractured my collarbone.

Which is the reason I needed three shoulder surgeries. Instead of just one.

I screamed out the window for help after dragging myself to it, but the police couldn’t figure out where I was.

I was terrified.

It hurt so bad.

I don’t think I’ve ever screamed like that in my life; a couple days later I did an art piece that depicted how I felt.

That wasn’t enough for people to understand what I was going through.

????️ ????️ That art piece is how I know which date I screamed. The art I did was the 24th of July 2018. He must have thrown me off the bed, the 22nd of July. 2018.

I SCREAMED,

3 times. Shaking and terrified.

I have never screamed like that in my life.

He managed to convince his daughter that my screaming was just from him, showing me a scary movie.

Just one of the many ways that he was manipulative and horrible.

I needed three shoulder surgeries, because that fractured part of my collarbone, was severing the bicep tendons that connect to it; that’s why my third and most invasive shoulder surgery required for me to have my bicep tendons cut and reattached, because they were “hanging on by a thread“.

They thought it was an acromion issue.

Eight months after my third surgery, he hit me in the spine with a chair. May 10, 2020.

I’ll never forget after my first shoulder surgery; which took place about a week after he had bodyslammed me off of the bed, he towel dried me after a shower, because I was unable to do so for myself, and he looked at me and he said

“aren’t you so glad you have me to take care of you”

I cried.

I can’t express how messed up that moment was, and how awful it was to know that I was in the care of such a psychopath. And yet I stayed in the relationship.

Is it because I didn’t have anyone to turn to?

Is it because I had already known, just like I learned in this experience, that no one in society really cared that much?

Or is it because I was able to be forgiving and see the good qualities in him?

Maybe it was all of those things.

After He hit me in the spine with a chair.

He used to say the same thing to me, which was even more terrifying.

‘I will take care of you forever, even if you end up in a wheelchair’

That’s why I was DETERMINED not to need a wheelchair-

When I asked for one…….I was not taken seriously.

He said ‘aren’t you glad you have me to care for you!?’

As he bought me an inversion table I wouldn’t have needed, if he hadn’t crippled me.

That was when I realized that when he said he would “take care of me forever,” he meant while he slowly killed me, but in the end that I would be dead.

This isn’t something that I have amplified or overdramatized per my abusers and web traps, rumor mill.

I’m stronger than most.

And as my therapist stated “I have a tendency to downplay traumatic events”

No wonder I have CPTSD

This is real and this is my life.

Now that I’ve learned more about human trafficking, Im also learning that this is actually very typical behavior of people who human traffick through a ‘love relationship.’

Spine injury and disabling you makes you an easier target.

Spreading rumors and isolating you, makes you an easier target.

I was a VERY easy target.

It seems this was actually the goal of him and others in the community; so that they could use me as a scapegoat & silence me, by disappearing me.

While everyone happily believed their lies.

And what I’ve learned about speaking up, is that it only is going to benefit others, because it has done nothing for me and my life.

In fact, it has put me in worse and worse danger; while people continue to believe my abusers, and what I referred to as ‘web trap women’, the women who are more than happy to see this happened to me, for the benefit of themselves. ????️

I speak up for the safety of people in the future and their families, because I’ve realized trying to mediate for their parents is pointless.

I speak up to educate those who truly don’t know this is ongoing here-in our beautiful coastal Maine towns.

None of the people that are responsible for this, care about changing or becoming safer for a community.

They only care about themselves.

I speak up, because I hope that someday families will be safe, no matter who they are, no matter where they’re from, no matter who their families are, and no matter what businesses become part of our area.

Everyone deserves to be safe.

Everyone deserves to have a place in society that keeps them safe, and everyone deserves to have something that I never did,

PROTECTION .

Pretty soon it looks like my phone is going to be turned off yet again.

I just got cellular back in February 2024 after having none for a year.

I’m not a privileged woman with money, or a woman being given handouts from people.

Noone actually listened to what’s going on in my life.

No one listened to what I needed to stay safe!

The covering up of my medical records, the preventing of me being able to go to school, and the consistent lack of caring from anyone who caused the situation, or anyone who should give a damn; has caused this to be my life circumstance.

I am able to take most things with a ‘grain of salt’, and I’m able to ‘roll with the punches’, literally and figuratively…….

I’m tired of this.

I expected nothing but I deserved better than this.

I have my business page-

I have an Etsy page for my art-

I have lots of dreams and goals that will never be fulfilled, all because of a man abusing me and because of a medical system and a government system not caring.

I was so upset with myself for not leaving him sooner-I did so many times but he always convinced me to come back or forgive him. I was so mad at myself for staying long enough for him to cripple me…..

Until finally a wise woman said, “You shouldn’t ask yourself why you didn’t leave sooner, you should ask yourself, why didn’t he just STOP”

Similarly now I ask myself the same about EVERYONE involved.

Why don’t they just stop.

It does seem the more and more I go through this experience, that to the government as a whole, we are just a number.

I will never forget this time period.

If I am unable to continue blogging, it is because I no longer have a cellular-again-which means I no longer had a way of paying for a phone which means that until I do, I will not be blogging any longer.

I will leave with one quote

“In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

I guess I learned I don’t really have friends.

Just some acquaintances and that’s it.

Whose responsibility was it to make sure that I could actually redesign a life after a man broke my spine?

I paid into government systems for 22 years and asked for help only when I needed it.

Who is the one responsible for damaging my future?

Why do we pay systems if they’re not going to be available to us and why is there such a thing as a doctor, if they are not going to abide by their oath.

My ex cut the hair of many people, including my doctor at the time, and that is no excuse for what they have done or not done.

I refuse to allow people to gaslight me, spread their lies and rumors about me, or let web trap women affect my life any longer.

I don’t care who sees their mistake or misjudgment.

I care about people changing.

That’s what I want to see.

I want to see no more women forced into prostitution or trafficking.

I want to see no more human trafficking.

And I want to see people being held accountable for what they did or didn’t do in this time.

Right HERE, where I’ve been put through HELL-

MAINE in the USA