Surviving
not yet thriving
I’ve been alone completely, for 3 years and 10 months.
How long it’s been since I got away from my abuser.
My ex crippled me in May of 2020 and I spent months attempting to negotiate with him about my freedom.
Often times he would say, if I refused to take care of his daughter, I wouldn’t be able to eat. He was already controlling with other situations and the car. 
I had my old Honda that wouldn’t take a sticker up here in Maine and we went to go get a car. He just had to go get this specific car-right in that moment. Only a few days after my second shoulder surgery. This is when I still was hopeful about going back to work, after my second shoulder surgery.
The car was in my name because pre him crippling me, I had good credit. A 3% loan and a car. I had never had a new car before. I actually preferred my old Honda.
I was hoping that I would be back to work quickly.
My bosses saved my jobs after the first surgery; I was hopeful they would after the second.
I usually had good timing and was hopeful when I healed, it would work out.
Last minute my ex abuser put the car in his name.
I knew that day he was starting the more controlling behaviors, because he was already physically abusive with me. Restrictive of even basic things, me wanting to buy a book or a specific cereal or my own painting supplies. 
That was January 2019.
My third and most invasive surgery was September 2019. Two bicep tendons cut and reattached and 7 anchors placed in my shoulder joint.
My bicep tendon wasn’t even healed when he hit me in the spine.
I dropped to the ground unable to place my hands out. Went unconscious.
Now it’s been confirmed, that for these years, dangerous people with bad intentions, spread lies about me. This was to ensure they could get away with what they did to me.
For the sake of your children and all children-please review systematic, generational and physical abuse-please
When families feel the need to hide their history, it allows abusive men to continue to get away with what they do.
If abusive family makes you seem untrustworthy or unaccountable, that sets the tone for abusers to target you easier.
All Those that helped my exes get away with abuse, especially the last one, I will NEVER forgive you.
Ever.
He CRIPPLED me!
All the rumors that were started, me being crippled and the local traffickers who had a plan, were ready.
I ended up unable to work without dying of autonomic dysreflexia. I had 5 failed job attempts; a daycare during the peak of the pandemic, waitressing, retail, a kitchen job & my business growing.
I saved enough money for a 6 month period-
I applied for disability;
signed up for school (I don’t hold an American degree-my money I spent on studying overseas-if I hadn’t been crippled, my life would be much different now)
Disabiity denied me.
School funding changed one week before Christmas that year.
I had to rely on private organizations to help. I was grateful and terrified. If I couldn’t re-design a life-how could I ever succeed or even survive?
The doctors were a mix of honorable ones and ones fearing a lawsuit, because my ex cut their Hair and even though they were honorable people, they didn’t handle this situation honorably.
Luckily the tests they did ruled out everything but an ambulatory spinal cord injury from him hitting me in the spine.
Still doctors deleted or altered diagnosis.
They were Fearing a lawsuit.
I just wanted help.
Proper medical care.
To move forward.
This led to me attempting to get from home jobs. Trying to amplify my business. Doing art every day. Trying to heal. A swim membership was helpful but I couldn’t afford. I did my best with what I had.
I spoke to an ex of mine, who I considered a decent human being, he is from Saudi Arabia, we spoke for four hours, but didn’t say much the beginning of January 2021.
In the beginning of February of 2021-
After attending a workshop via ZOOM through the OSHO ashram in 
India where I experienced a spiritual awakening.
La illaha Il allah. 
I then joined a Sufi group because of that experience in April 2021.
In this time period I was regularly followed by helicopters.
Some army issued, some privately owned.
Some for seeming protection and some for harassment.
I saw what was happening.
I had so much to process already-
I didn’t have the capacity to understand exactly what was going on.
So I did what every normal person does when a helicopter passes overhead-I drew a star 
and sent it to them like Magick-I said a prayer-‘if they are doing good may they be protected and respected, if they are not, may they forget. ‘
(Isn’t that what most people do when helicopters follow them?)
I hoped they sent me down a trapeze bar-so I could cling to it on my way home. I prayed they would bring me my groceries and drop them down on little umbrellas-grocery shopping with a spinal cord injury is not easy without adaptive devices.
I prayed they would drop a pizza down for me. 
I wrote to the president of the USA.
I wrote to the vice president.
I wrote to the attorney general.
I was concerned about my situation and also many ongoing issues in my area.
Predominantly what concerned me; was and continues to be, human trafficking.
I have already blogged about the letter I wrote and posted the YouTube video.
In this time I put in an anonymous tip about a suspected human trafficker, with international ties and also what I could see were clear national security risks.
I am an internationalist but I am Born in the USA.
We are the United countries of the World here.
I want peace for the earth.
In very logical and obtainable ways.
I was concerned for everyone’s safety.
Right here.
I had good reason to be concerned about women’s.
Listen to what I’ve been through.
Look at what they want me to keep quiet.
My ex got away with everything.
Everyone got away with everything.
I posted on social media regularly-to no avail.
Most just commented it was my alga rhythms.
I ended up leaving on foot with a spinal cord injury and a Walker. Giving away over half my things-traumatically.
I didn’t have anywhere to go.
I was crippled.
If I wasn’t crippled-my life would have been Magick.
I was homeless for days on the sidewalk. I had limited money to START and RE-establish a new life somewhere.
I brought my SEEDS with me to plant a garden and I had a whole lotta hope!
I went to the airport days early where I was under observation. 
I posted about how the corrupt government officials typically target isolated peoples this way, blaming them for attacks-causing duress and allowing their hidden agendas to be accomplished.
I got on a plane.
I went to Vancouver.
I wanted to see Beyonce & Les Twins. I’m pretty sure I danced for one of them when I was an exotic dancer in Bangor and I had no idea they could dance so well-or that he was a twin. I’m certain he wouldn’t have remembered me. I went by Sadie anyways. 
I realized upon arriving I could never afford to live in Vancouver.
I got tho the concert with my walking sticks 
and I guess the ticket kid wanted to get laid, more than he cared about me attending, evidently giving my ticket to someone else, but claiming it must not have been valid.
I will never go to a concert again. Not like that.
I had no cellular-only connection with WiFi.
I ate at a great restaurant, I wanted to bring with me everywhere. Kalash.
So yummy.
I bought the cheapest plane ticket one way.
To Peru. 
I was hopeful.
New life maybe?
Maybe Somewhere that saw me as more than a waitress and a crippled.
I LOVED Peru.
Dangerous people from home that tried to traffick me, had connections there.
So I was still in danger.
I just kept up with routine.
Wake up.
Pray. 
Ambulatory exercises.
Art. 
Peace.
Do my best.
I was in a place where there were ‘legal’ prostitutes and with all those lies and rumors and traffickers from here-
I was an easy target.
No income.
No one.
Crippled.
Don’t speak the language.
Chased away on foot because for some reason-my home believed my abusers or just didn’t care.
When I was there, I contacted a non family member to invite them into my life.
I felt he was trustworthy and I believed he knew what was going on in regard to my life.
I thought he just might be the one & to help me mediate what was going on.
I came home to Maine after believing that people finally realized their error.
That something would finally be done about what I was speaking about.
That adults would be able to communicate effectively with me about these issues and ways to take care of it.
At the airport in Peru-
a man said he could offer me work.
He quoted a Bible verse.
That is exactly how people get trafficked.
Everyone believing rumors and thinking nothing of when I was posting for help.
I could have easily been disappeared, all because those who should’ve known better than to believe liars; listened and even helped them get away with what they did to me.
I came back home.
I slept on a sidewalk.
If it wasn’t for a Burger King employee named Louis, I would have gone into autonomic dysreflexia-thank you to her for letting me in early.
I guess the hope for people changing and doing what was right-went out the window.
I went back to Peru.
Further debt.
My rent and my groceries.
I was there for 5 months.
In danger of being trafficked by those connected to these from here, who placed me in danger to begin with.
Disabiity denied the third time.
The first time disabiity denied me, they decided my life meant nothing.
The second time they denied me, they decided my fate-that I was worthy of homelessness.
The third time they denied me-they basically sealed my fate.
I was worth being dead or secluded trafficked only.
I worked as a waitress for 22 years.
I needed this money to re-design my whole life after 5 failed job attempts.
I did everything I could think of.
I posted.
I gave facts and logic to explain what was happening.I contacted spiritual or dance groups I was a part of.
Who am I supposed to ask for help from?
Can someone tell me?
How am I supposed to ever thrive continuing this trend.
All because of dishonorable people and liars.
THIS is why women stay with their abusers.
We figure, well, he would have killed me, but Atleast I knew the trend and the abusive patterns of the relationship.
What good did me getting away from him do?
What did I accomplish in this time?
I tried to urge those tapping my phone, to prevent nuclear war-pointing out what was wrong and hoping they would understand.
This situation involved so much.
The common trend though is that my life isn’t worth a thing now.
So -I keep waking up.
Keep hoping for change.
Keep posting.
Painting.
Singing.
Dancing.
Maybe someday it will change?
Maybe not.
I’m surviving. I just ain’t thriving. Not Yet anyways and maybe never.
Ordinary is a good life goal. Ordinary is peace.
Stay human.
*Katherine Lily Mae Harris
38
Woman
USA
Freedom
Peace
Life